I Love James Brennan

I’m a bit of a perfectionist. I hold myself to very high standards. While this might be a good thing in theory, in practice it leads to a debilitating inability to get shit done. It’s good for a creative person to want the most from their work, but it can also frustrate efforts to bring work to an audience. If the work is never “finished” than it’s never ready to show.

This, of course, is a perpetual struggle for creative folks. I once heard about a famous impressionist, I want to say Degas, who could be caught at the gallery - hours before an opening - putting the finishing touches on the works that were about the be displayed.

I should probably ignore stories about famous artist that have the same bad habits I do. It’s mostly a way to comfort myself into believing that if xyz could make it all happen despite his habits than I shouldn’t worry about it. No need to change. No need to try.

So, I’m thinking about all of this tonight, as I listen to a dozen songs I’ve recorded over the years. I haven’t listened to most of these tunes in months, if not years. I was certain, when I stopped working on them, that they weren’t done yet, that even though I’d done so much work on them there was still work to do and that I would get to it, soon. And then I didn’t.

So now they sit on my hard drive, mostly unlistened to and unloved, which is a pity because hey’re actually pretty good. Good enough to have an audience anyway. Which is why I’ve decided to share them with you. 

We’ll start out with “Close My Eyes“. 

The Song

(download Close My Eyes MP3)

The Story

The MP3’s created-on date is December 22, 2002, but I’m pretty sure it’s at least a year older than that. “Close My Eyes” was written during a time when my primary focus was electronic music - mostly dance. I wasn’t writing many songs with lyrics or hooks. They usually materialized when I was moved by one dysfunctional relationship with a woman or another.

Though it’s difficult to look through the long lens of memory and trust that what’s visible isn’t mostly distortion, I’m going to hazard a description of the circumstances surrounding that birth to this song. My relationship with the subject, let’s call her Luna, was multifaceted as all relationships of any depth are. “Close My Eyes” deals with one small aspect of the relationship, the one I had the most difficulty with. 

As a child Luna was emotionally abused by her mother. I can’t remember the exact stories Luna told, but I do remember my heart breaking a little bit when she told them. I also remember the way that Luna was quick to justify those who wronged her. She felt that it was an act of love to accept abuse silently.

Close My Eyes was written as I was trying to figure out how to be involved with Luna. She was a brilliant woman with a magnetic personality and I was deeply, sickly, in love with her, but I was also disturbed by the way she treated me and the way she seemed to expect me to treat her.

There’s not much more to say about it. Here’s the lyrics. Enjoy. Please feel free to comment if you have thoughts.

The Lyrics

Close My Eyes
James Brennan, 2001

I don’t know who
hurt you the first time
But I can see that they
pushed their daggers deep 

You smile at me when
you’re standing in the sunshine
But I can hear the words
that you cry out in your sleep

I just want to close my eyes
so I can’t see everything you’re trying to hide
And I just want to close my ears
so the words that you don’t speak
I can’t hear

Now it’s my turn
You’re pushing daggers into my first
When I refuse them you say,
“It’s OK baby, I like it like this”

You make it so easy
It’s hard to resist
I just want to close my eyes
and give into this

[chorus]